My Lord is a mighty and loving and powerful and tender Papa. Out of my "darkness, failure and loss" He has brought me to a resurrection and a life. In order to get me there, He bid me come and die. And then He very graciously helped me to do just that.
Is helping me do just that. One of His most powerful tools in that process has been the gift of my two indescribably precious daughters. There have been many, many things He has taught me through them. But what is most bewildering and wonderful is not what I have
learned. It is what I am becoming. Have become. Will become.
Changed. The old Julie is still putting up a desperate fight, but she doesn't have long to live and she knows it. There is a new Julie. The little eternal child God made for himself. The one that breathes in grace and mercy and moves by the power of His Spirit. She is cherished. Whole. Healed. I am so thankful for the miraculous way that my Heavenly Father devised a plan to bring the walls around her lonely heart down. For using these two little girls of mine to do it. He has done it - He has done it! I don't know why it seems so appropriate to tell you this on Mother's Day. I guess I don't want to tell you the things I've learned from these two girls in a way that detracts from the truest part of our story. It is Jesus, friends. It is Jesus.
The things He's teaching my deepest heart through these two are often difficult or impossible to put into words. Sometimes I know He's changing things, but I don't see it clearly, or even understand it till much later. It's okay. The beautiful thing is that I'M NOT IN CHARGE anymore. I don't have to understand it all. Or know it all. Good thing, cuz I never really did! : )
That said, there are some sweet things that I have learned in the course of living life with these two impish loves. Lemme share some. (They mostly all fall under the category of "things I didn't know 3 years ago.") In absolutely no particular order...
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A child who can't even call you "mama" can help you see yourself and your world through the loving eyes of Jesus... Her life can lay bare a thousand lies that our world and culture cling to about what life is really about.
Seeing other parents who are struggling just like you is a sweet, sweet balm. Oddly enough, the ones who are feeling the most beat up are often the most inspirational. In a related note, I love my brothers Brian & Tim. They don't hide the struggles of parenting, and they may not always think so, but they are darn good dads! (And they're wives are pretty amazing people & parents too)
Cousins are AMAZING. Not only to and for each other, but for the parents! Seeing two little girls playing together and realizing, "oh my gosh, that's my brother's
daughter (or
son) and
my daughter
playing together!" It's a trip. A wonderful, wonderful trip. These little ones have no idea how much their parents have been through. How much they love each other. To them, it's just hanging out with family. And I guess that's true. It just never seemed so rich before...
The Whitacre genes are very, very strong. : )
The best way to show love to a parent is to show interest in, and compassion towards, their child. Seriously, when someone just adores your children, it means the world to you!
Once your heart is cracked open by love, you start to see beauty everywhere...
Sometimes you can feel earth-shattering joy just looking at your child's face... Jesus feels that way about us, I just know it.
It's never to early to start em on coffee. (Kidding, this is water) Though if their Uncle Earl was around, we'd have to check to make sure : )
Children's Hospitals can be a fun place to hang out at when you're not sick. I mean, they have free valet parking, food courts, tons of toys, fish to feed, and gardens to play in... Shh, don't tell : )
Little girls & sailor suits - am I right?
It's amazing to get to share your kids with your mom. Nobody loves them like their Grandma(s) do. Nobody. When you've got a good mom (like I do), she adores your kids, but her main concern is still you. You are, after all, her baby girl.
Grandkids and Grandparents together are just one big ol' major cuteness overload. You just get comfy on the couch, sit back and enjoy the show : )
I'm such a wanderer (being a missionary kid, you're kind of from everywhere), that it didn't sink in till my sister brought it up last week, that my girls & I were all born in Tennessee. That's kinda cool. It's still weird, though, to think that when people ask them where they're from that the answer will be, "Nashville." Who'd a thunk it?
Nashville.
Nothing makes a mama happier than seeing her kids show love to each other. I bet anything God feels the same way about His kids...
One little grin can make a whole hard day seem worth it...
Jesus doesn't think scars are something to hide... And when He looks at us, He see's US, not the scars. I know that now because of Ava Gray. Thank you precious girl...
It's hard to keep clothes on toddlers. Really hard. Even this last remnant of clothing didn't last long.
Sometimes you are so captivated by the beauty of your child that it actually takes your breath away. It sounds like a cheesy line in a cheesy Hallmark card, but it
actually happens. Swear.
It's hard not to take (and post) waaaay too many pictures of your kids because each little facial expression seems priceless. Also, even when you cut a lot of people's hair and get paid to do so, it doesn't mean you won't accidentally butcher your own little girls hair. Just saying... (good thing she's so adorable that she can pull it off!)
When your child has fought her heart out just to make it, and then hit's a milestone, you don't compare it to anyone else's - you just rejoice!!! Hey, I know I keep saying it, but Jesus has got to feel the same way about us, don't you think?
When you love a little child, what is important to them becomes important to you. Like all of a sudden, I
love dogs. I really do. Cuz of Havyn. (This is her with our neighbor's dog, Leo. She adores Leo, and so she's named all 6 of her toy dogs after him.)
Children grow up really, really, really fast. Sometimes you wake up in the morning and they've gotten more mature and beautiful and smart and mischievous in just the 6 hours that you slept. It's miraculous and freaky.
You CANNOT be a good mom without God having regular and abundant mercy on you. His mercy frequently manifest's itself in people who come along side you and just HELP. Raising little people is so complicated and time-consuming and mind-numbing and important and WORTH IT. I wish I'd helped mom's out more before I was one. They need it.
Your kids need lots of neat people around them. Cuz they will pick one or two to idolize. And you will be grateful if the ones they choose to idolize are actually people you want them to look up to. And watching them together will make you giggle.
God will really be a Father to the fatherless, and a Grandparent to the grandparent-less, but it's hard to see your kids far, far away from good grandparents. It makes you really treasure the visits!
You just want to kiss your kids all the time. When they're sick. When you're sick. When they just get out of a bath and are all fresh in their pajama's and ready for bed. When they're dirty as all get out and have a big grin on their face as they come toddling in with a bug for you to check out. You really have to reign it in. I mean, you can't kiss them ALL the time.
So, you may have noticed that I don't have any "kissy" pictures with Ava Gray. Up until recently, Ava Gray was wary of kisses. And rightly so: she had a lot of people in the hospital ignoring her very clear request's for personal space and doing things to her that she didn't want done. So I was always careful not to force anything on her. She's starting to break out of that old way of thinking though, and is becoming quite affectionate in her own little way. Like when she puts her hand up softly against your cheek and just holds it there. I've started giving her little smooches. And she's a little surprised when I do, but I think she likes it. It's my new favorite thing. : )
Speaking of Ava Gray in the hospital, just when I was thinking we were over & done with all that...we weren't. This time it was bacteria in her blood (She was in the hospital from Monday to Thursday). Crazy, right? That's another thing I didn't know 3 years ago. How NOT IN CONTROL I really was. Of even the important things. Like keeping my daughter's alive. So glad that's on His shoulders & that He can bear the burden!
Family meal times are important. Even if all you are eating together is toast and one of the three of you likes massaging her food more than actually eating it. : )
When your child struggles to communicate, you treasure every sound, every attempt. What if Jesus felt that way about us? It may just totally change how I think about prayer.
Getting dirty is almost as important as good nutrition & lots of sleep. It's in the news, folks! We're way ahead of the curve : )
And last one for the day: I didn't realize how GRATEFUL I could feel for the privilege of being a mom. It's overwhelming. And my gratitude flows in many directions: one being to the long list of women who have helpd me to "mother"Ava Gray and Havyn & to love them well. Ana, Nancy, Laura, Kristina, Linda, Lily, this list goes on.... A heartfelt
thank you to all of you dear souls who have stood beside me and helped me to cherish & grow these girls. And Jesus, thank you for it
all. For letting me be a mama to these two. For providing for them
so richly. But most importantly, for breaking my heart in order to heal it and to capture it and to draw me in to experience
you: the best parent in the world. I'm so glad I'm your girl!
